I hate how time can seem to drag on at some points and race by faster than you can blink at others. Today marks a little over 3 weeks left before my dear hubby leaves. For those of you who missed it, he enlisted into the Army several months ago and was given delayed enlistment status. So on October 31st, we will drop him off at his hotel so he can then be processed through MEPS and transported to basic training in Ft. Sill. And so will begin our journey and transformation as a new Army family… and his transformation from civilian to soldier.
This is a decision that was very tough and well thought-out. We truly feel as if this is God’s will for our family. When we made this decision, I agreed that I would support and enable my husband to follow this dream, wherever it may take us. That being said, I’m having kind of a hard time right now.
On one hand I am really excited and hopeful about this complete shift in lifestyle. So much about our life as a family is going to improve. We will have great healthcare, drastically better income, opportunities to travel and live in parts of the world we have never seen, job security, money for college (for ourselves and our children), and a retirement plan. Right now we have none of these things. I am excited (and anxious) to see what things are in store for us. The other side of that coin is this – my husband is leaving us. Yes, to get the training he needs to succeed in his new profession as a soldier, but nonetheless he will be gone. He will no longer walk through the door every afternoon after work, hug the kids, give me a kiss, and ask about our day. When the kids have a bad day, I won’t be able to confide in him and ask him what to do about it. I won’t even be able to pick up the phone and call him or text him with a quick question. I won’t lay in bed at night and hear his steady breathing as he sleeps beside me, or cuddle closer to feel his warmth. This, and much more, is the hard, cold reality that is smacking me in my face.
I am not handling it well, and he is not even gone yet. I long to spend every moment of every hour that he is home with him, talking, cuddling on the couch, laughing… but the reality of everyday life is that I have 4 children at home with me every day. Four precious blessings that make messes for me to clean up, have lessons I need to teach them, and have needs to be met. I have a 3 bedroom townhouse full of carpets to vacuum, dishes to wash and put away, piles of laundry to fold, and messes to be straightened. I have meals to prepare, grocery lists to be made, coupons to be clipped, and schoolwork to be planned and graded.
Now more than ever I feel the need for more energy and a few more hours in my day. The reality? That’s not going to happen. I have to make due with the time and resources God has given me, and make the very best of it all. I am having a really hard time balancing it all. Not to mention we have a pretty decent list of things that must absolutely be done before he leaves. Most days I feel like I’m treading water and never getting closer to that island I can see in the distance, and it’s slipping further and further away.
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do or how to start doing it. I don’t know what changes I can make. I just know I must find a way to treasure these next 3 weeks with my husband, because life will soon change forever, and we can never go back. I am in prayer, because that’s the only thing I know to do. I pray for the time to go by slower, for the guidance to balance my desires and responsibilities, for the wisdom to not fall apart in the face of everything bearing down on me.
I can’t even really imagine what things are going to be like while he is away. I can’t make that leap because it is so far removed from any reality that I have ever existed in. I can only focus on right here, right now. I know I am not the first wife and mother to go through this. There have been many before me and I am sure there will be many after. Yet I feel so alone.
So if you don’t see many posts in the next few weeks, now you will understand why. Though I am quite sure I will be pouring my heart out on these pages often during his absence. If you have the time, or the desire, please pray for my family over the next few weeks. You may never know how much it is needed and appreciated.